“The head of the Fraternal Order of Police said it took Patrick Kennedy 19 hours to come up with an official explanation. Which may sound bad, but it still beats his dad’s record by two hours, so it’s pretty good.” –Jay Leno
“This is a bit of a scandal. The police at the scene did not give him a sobriety test, and they gave him a ride home. I’m not saying he got special treatment, but they also tucked him into bed and put a trash can next to it in case he had to throw up.” –Bill Maher
“Kennedy blamed his seemingly intoxicated state after the car crash on his sleeping medication. I believe it’s called Jagermeister.” –Jay Leno
“The director of the CIA, Porter Goss, resigned, surprisingly. I guess on Friday he resigned. He said he wanted to spent more time giving bad intelligence to his family.” –David Letterman
“President Bush said catching a 7.5 pound fish was his best moment since becoming president. You know the sad thing, a lot of historians would agree with that.” –Jay Leno
[On Bush saying Porter Goss ‘led ably’] “Ouch. That guy must have sucked. I mean f’gosh sakes, Mike Brown drowned New Orleans and he got ‘heckuva job.’ George Tenet thought WMDs were a slam dunk. He got the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Led ably? I think the last guy who was said to have led ably was Gary Cherone when he took over Van Halen. You do not want to be the poor man’s Sammy Hagar.” –Jon Stewart