– I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
– I had amnesia once — or twice.
– I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
– Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
– All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
– If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
– What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
– They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.
– Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
– Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
– Is there another word for synonym?
More Non-Deep Thoughts
– Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
– The speed of time is one second per second.
– Is it possible to be totally partial?
– What’s another word for thesaurus?
– Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
– If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
– Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
-It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
– Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Even More Non-Deep Thoughts
– Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
– What if there were no hypothetical questions?
– One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
– When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
– A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
– What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
– My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
– I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
– The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
– How can there be self-help “groups”?