Author Archive: The Portly Irishman

Safe Spaces

Generally speaking I try to keep my political leanings to myself on this site but there are those occasions when I see crap that has gone on since the election that just make me wonder […]

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use restroom of gender they “identify” with or required to use restroom of their biological […]

Old Man and the Police

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left […]

Old fart goes to the Doctor

“Doc, you GOTTA help me”, says the old man. “What seems to be the problem?” asks the Doctor. “Well every morning, right at eight O’clock, I take a shit. It’s like clockwork. And it’s ruining […]

The Monkey at the bar

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats […]

Virginity explained by Confucius

Disciple: “Male virgins are often shamed and ridiculed.” Confucius: “Exactly.” Disciple: “However, female virgins are viewed in a more positive way. Where does the difference come from?” Confucius: “An army that has failed all its […]

Shlomo was walking home late at night and

sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty dollars”, she whispers. Shlomo had never been with a hooker before, but what the heck, its only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes. They’re in there […]

Two Jews walk by a church and

notice a sign: ‘Convert Now – Receive the truth of Christ and $2,000’. One of them says to the other, “$2,000 is a lot of money. Let me go in and see what they have […]

Will Hell freeze over?

The answer was purportedly in response to the bonus question on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?” First, we need to know how the mass […]

At last, they’re finally together..

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At […]

Spring ahead, time travellers

This past weekend we went through the ritual of moving our clocks ahead an hour. Here are a few tributes to that event!

If you’re a cop…

…Nine Ways NOT To Start Your Police Report: 1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times … 2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the […]

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